Sunday, February 27, 2005

IMAO: Who the Hell Do You Think You Bloggers Are?

IMAO: Who the Hell Do You Think You Bloggers Are?


That's what I'm talking about.

Frank J., of IMAO (does anyone know what this acronym stands for?), asks some tough questions. Lots of people are trying to answer them. I'm not sure I have good answers myself, so here's my off-the-cuff responses to ...


1. Who the hell do you think you are?

Who, ME? [squeak!]
I'm Jerry the Geek. Father, Diplomat, Soldier, Blogger, Computer Programmer, mediocre IPSC competitor, writer of Geek-Length Posts to The Unofficial IPSC List. Defender of the truth (as I see it), opininated, obnoxious, intrusive, argumentative. Fearless warrior in defense of my mom, writing letters to the judge to get out of traffic tickets, and pumpkin pie!

Okay, so I lied about the "Diplomat" part.
2. So, other than blogging, what's your job? Do you work at some fast food joint, dumbass?
Well, not this week. By day I'm a Systems Analyst for a blue-state University; by night I'm the scourge of the hell-room (the upstairs bedroom where my computer sits amid piles of paper and overflowing ashtrays. Damn! I have GOT to clean this mess up.)
But all of that may change, if my friendly neighborhood Democratic governor can't get a handle on the state budget, and I mean like Real Soon Now! He's still pissed 'cause we voted down his tax measures last November and ... well, you know how that goes. I'm back on the street, looking for another job. Do you know, is Burger King hiring?

3. Do you have like any experience in journalism, idiot?

Uh ... I took a couple of journalism courses in college. Does that count?
No? Okay, then I don't.
I DO "Have An Opinion" on almost any topic, whether or not I know anything about it. I figure that makes me roughly equivalent to Maureen Dowd, anyway.
And I read Best Of The Web almost every day, so I know what Opinions are suppose to look like.
4. Do you even read newspapers?

Did I mention Best Of the Web?
And of course, there's World Net Daily, which I also read ... uh ... daily.
Well, then, I get a check-off in this category, right?
Okay, so I don't read newspapers. Considering that all the major papers in this blue state are heavily lefty slanted, I'm not missing much. Still, I read their web version; I'm hardly likely to actually BUY their defeatist rags, am I?

5. Do you watch any other news than FOX News propaganda, you ignorant fool?
Actually, I don't watch news programs on TV. My television isn't even hooked up to a cable. I just use it for watching old movies on video tapes and DVDS. However, I DO watch TV at my girlfriends house on weekends, but about all we watch is old movies, cheesy house-renovation shows (I hate that!), disfunctional families building motorcycles, and Monk.
I haven't had cable TV since Crossfire went off the air.
Could be worse. I could be watching CBS news every night, and wearing a big ol' lapel pin stating "Dan Rather is GOD!"
6. I bet you're some moron talk radio listener too, huh?

Well, I would be if we could get any decent radio reception down here in the gulag. Unfortunately, all we get at night is Doctor Laura, and during the day I'm sitting at my computer at the office and do you realize how hard it is to get decent AM Radio reception when you're surrounded by LAN Workstations?
I admit, if I could get the local station, I would be listening to Rush, Michael Reagan, Sean Hannity (he of the cheesy grin) and Larry Elder every day!
But not that loudmouth Michael Savage. Anybody want to put up a big-money bet on which of these talk radio shows is available locally?
So, when is the NRA going to start up a talk radio program?

7. So, do you get a fax from the GOP each day for what to say, you @#$% Republican parrot?

No, my fax machine is broken.
(Actually, I don't even HAVE a fax machine. I'm just saying that so people think I'm important enough that someone, some day, may want to send me a fax. The truth is, I get all of my GOP instructions via email.)

However, I did receive some beautiful photos of GW and Laura Bush during The LateUnpleasantness (the 2004 Presidential Campaign.) They wanted me to send them money. I didn't. Do you have any idea how much it costs to rent the Lincoln Bedroom on a weekend night? Oh, but you do get a discount if you rent Thursday thru Monday. I bet you didn't know that.
8. Why do you and your blogger friends want to silence and fire everyone who disagrees with you, fascist?

Huh? Are you KIDDING? You cheeky monkey, if it wasn't for the people who disagree with me, I wouldn't have anyone to talk to at all.
Fortunately, almost everyone disagrees with me, so I have lots of people to talk to.
The bad news is, they don't want to talk to ME.
Maybe I ought to open that unused bottle of Scope. Do you suppose that would help?
9. Are you completely ignorant of other countries, or do you actually own a passport?
Actually, I'm cheerfully ignorant of other countries. How many of them are there, and should I be concerned? Why?
I don't own a passport ... never needed one.
The only 'other' countries I've been to are Canada, Mexico, Taiwan and VietNam.
In three of those countries, someone tried to pick a fight with me. In the other one, they just took my money. Perhaps my reputation preceded me, but I don't think these are good reasons for me to visit, although I kind of liked Taiwan. The folks there seem to have a good grasp of the Capitalist Principles by which I live.

10. Have you even been to another country, you dumb hick?

Are you paying attention? What kind of a quiz is this, where the only way to win is not to play? As our lawyer friends (do lawyers have friends?) say: "asked and answered".
You didn't realize ... no, forget that. I'm not going to make excuses for you, Frank. Just stick to the script, okay?
And remember, I HAVE been to Vietnam. If 'things' had broken the way they should, I might have been president today. Then I wouldn't have to answer your inane questions and embarass myself in public, in a vain play for attention from the sort of people I would never have as guests in my home.
(Well, I would have them as guests in my home, but I'm a terrible housekeeper and what if they wandered into my Hell Room ... the home of Marlboro Cigarettes and Jamesons Whiskey. We wouldn't see them for weeks, and eventually it would smell worse than it already does.
I wouldn't like that. Wouldn't be prudent. And it would be all your fault, Frank J.

11. If you're so keen on the war, why haven't you signed up, chickenhawk?

Hmmmm ... let me see:
(1) I'm 60 years old
(2) I could kick your butt, Frank, so don't start on me!
(3) Been there, done that, didn't like it 'cause they were rude to tourists.

12. Do you have any idea of the horrors of war? Have you ever reached into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face?

Yes, I did. It was in Viet Nam in 1970. We had just left the NCO club in Cu Chi when my friend suddenly retched, fell over on his side, and rolled onto his back clutching his belly. I fumbled in the dark to see what was wrong and ... I ... put ... my ... hand ... on ... his ... FACE!

Oh, the horror!

It was entirely covered in vomit.

After that, we kinda backed off on the twenty-five cent hard liquor drinks, ya know what I mean. At least, until the next night.

13. Have you ever reached into any pile of goo?

Well, the next night we went back to the NCO club. This time, I was the one who fell down with vomit all over my face. My friend was too plastered, so I had to put my hand to my own pile-of-goo face. Not a pleasant experience, I tell you.

War is heck.

14. Once again, who the hell do you think you are?!

Who dat who say 'who dat'?

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